Chu Qin's Site

had a dream yesterday. it was nostalgic trip down memory lane. in the dream, i was wearing my primary school uniform, complete with my head prefect green silk tie, and my dad was chauffeuring me to school for some form of school activity .

Now. Me, my sis and my bro grew up in the age where we no longer walk or cycle to school as our parents' generation did. it was deemed too unsafe to do so. therefore, since primary school,  we get potted to school either by school buses, or one of those private cars belonging to some 'aunty'/'uncle' whose son/daughter goes to the same school (my 'aunty' was called aunty lim!).

The draw back about these forms of transport, is that, it only picks up and drops off at certain times, ie. beginning of school session and end of school. (And of course), in this age where all kids should go to multiple tuition classes and attend various different extracurricular activities in order not to be left behind, we too, often stayed behind in school or often had to go back to school after hours for all those activities. Which means, this unfortunate responsibility of chauffeuring us falls on the shoulder of our poor parents who had to either rush back from work, or even get out in the middle of work to fetch us.

At the time itself, I don't think i appreciated those day-to-day short moments in the car with my mum/dad half as much as i should. It was only after the dream last night that i realised how much i missed those times. Also, it was the sad realization that i could never re-live those moments (now that i have left school and now that i can drive), i began recounting them.

First, there were the sleepy mornings where i had to get up at 6am (yes. the egocentric me at that time felt that it was an impingement on my human rights.) in order to accomodate my mum's set-off time (for work), where i JUST, really JUST and only JUST wanted to snooze for a bit to make up for the time loss. Yet, my mum would (never failed to) just turn on the radio to listen to the Chinese news. I don't know if it's something you're familiar with, but honestly, those two beeps and that music that runs right before the news is the most irritating prelude on earth!

It was also a time for us to catch up, from kindergarten years of telling my mum what i had drawn in my scrap book, to primary school years of telling her what the teacher taught during the day + what homework i had, to secondary school of telling her about my prefect board, my friends, my exams; those were true bonding moments. I wonder if i had ever asked my mum/dad how THEIR day had gone. well. to be fair. my mum would have just told anyway ;p

Did i tell you we played games during the short travel too? our 'game' as invented by our dad consist of competing against one another (me, my bro and my sis) to add up the numbers on the car number plates that we see on the road. For instance, one car passes by with a plate BGD 8321. THerefore the calculation goes 8+3+2+1 = 14! There are variations to the game too! sometimes u get to add up the numbers doubly. eg. the same car plate as before, we would do 83 + 21 = 104! Yes. i am the geek i am today thanks to my dad.

Then there were those moments where i get into the car after just finishing sports. Getting into a car full of cold, breezy air (-con) in the typical hot KL afternoon after all the sweat is just like ahhhh...heaven. I had always secretly wanted to turn the air con up and direct them all towards me but was only too afraid of getting told off by my dad because he thinks it is not good to have the body cooled down so quickly after exercise. My mum in these situations would make me sit forward, so not to soak my sweat into her car seat.

We would also have pit stops during those journeys when we get sent to run errands, ie bank in cheques for my dad (my dad is really proud that he taught all 3 of us how to bank in cheques), get down to buy a loaf of Gardenia for tomorrow's breakfast or fruits from the pasar malam. I always wished mum/dad would give me extra money to buy junks but of course that never happened (sulk.)

of course there were times of not-so-pleasant moments where we get yellings/telling offs. me being the rebellious teenager + daugther, there were more of these cold wars between me and my mum. of course, thereafter always comes the talk from my dad (in the car as well!) about how i should not behave that way how i should not argue how i should listen yada yada yada... For some reasons, i don't remember those moments quite as well ;)

And then towards the college years, the moments in the car are sometimes used to discuss our future, what i would do, what i should do, who do i want to become. i loved those moments. loved listening to life stories from my dad, loved all the wise words he imparts to me, loved how he said it as though everything was possible and loved how he believed that i could do anything at all if i wanted to. it made me believe too.

I have to stop being so emo. this is what i am now with a dream, i would probably have a breakdown on the first day i send my kid to school (if i get one). ahaha. This piece is specially dedicated to my dearest mum and dad, love you guys lots and thank you for being our ah-mat (driver) all these years! ;p

Qin

today's a happy day.

Woke up in the morning, went out grocery shopping. Bought
1) unagi
2) roast duck
3) straw mushroom
4) chinese leaf
5) Haagen Daaz baileys icecream
6) 4x coconut buns
7) 1x egg tart
8) egg tofu and japanese tofu
9) egg noodles

All of my fav food. i am one happy woman. well. if only someone could come cook them for me. that would make it perfect.

Then i went on to do some shopping. It was intended as window shopping, mana tau found something that i hope someone would really like, therefore bought it. that made me happy. then on my way home, it started snowing. like wow. i made myself look foolish by sticking out my tongue to taste the snow.

Got home. turned on the computer, talked to MJ for a while, then bang came online. We started conferencing on skype. then came ue. random stuff we talked about, but it was a long overdued chat. completely brighten up my day. with the ppl in singapore being constantly busy with their work, moments like that where all of us are online together and could chat are simply hard to come by. had to talk to wai yen separately on msn, but hey, still was good to catch up.

next on the menu, have got a dinner invitation by my live in landlady. hmmm....can already smell her curry (i went to the kitchen to have a peek, got different types of curry sumore, different warna, different spices wan. oh so sai lei.)

told u today's a good day.

after 11 days non stop of slogging at work, with 1pm to 11pm shift last 7 days...so tired...tired to the point i became cranky.

For example. I usually bitch about nurses behind their back (with little remorse, oh come on. we all do), but i'm usually NICE when i'm with them, honestly, i am! (within reasonable means). But today i actually told 2 nurses off.

1st one bleeped me FIVE BLOODY minutes after one of her colleague called me to do the VERY SAME discharge script for a patient. I didnt shout la. i juz asked  'is it a script for so-and-so patient? your colleague juz called me 5 mins ago for the same thing. I'm in a middle of assessing this patient who's query PE (ie. someone who could DIE), I will get there as soon as i can'. phoah. good to get that off my chest. I wonder if she managed to detect the sarcasm in my tone.

2nd nurse called me at 10pm when i was in a middle of dealing with 2 sick patients (one with hyperkalaemia and another with renal failure (creatinine 900), again, both with far more urgency than what she was calling me for). 'Doctor, can you come and change this patient from our ward to the other ward on the computer screen? She has transferred there now.' wahliao. you kidding me ah. this close to tell her to f off. Out of my good-heartedness. i attempted to do it (i duno y either). Didnt manage. too bad. told her and told her off. It is the nurses/clerkess' job to manage all these. it is not my bloody responsibility to change the patient on computer screen for you.

the 3rd call. at 10.45pm. 'doctor, this patient is just post-op now, someone has written up painkillers for her but didn sign it (when medications are not signed by doctors, nurses cannot give it to the patients). wahliao. 无语 .................but have to say. not the nurse's fault la.

Good. glad that it's over.

Have to say, despite all those above, had quite a good time, ironically. Coz after 5pm, every1 else's gone home. Me alone till 11pm, have to deal with a lot of things. Therefore get to deal with a lot of medical issues, exciting ones, ones that you have to think and try can figure out what the patient has, get to become a REAL DOCTOR...(instead of doing all the paper works, discharge letter after discharge letters during the 8 - 5pm shift). yea...REAL DOCTOR.

going to prague on saturday for 5 days to unwind...(very timely)

寂寞. 想家. 想念爸妈洁渊.

maybe i should juz go back Spore and work. maybe i'll be happier.

thanks yuetpeng for accomodating me.

i hate urology.It's my current job. I actually don't dislike the specialty itself that much. i just hate the surgeons, ie. my seniors.

My registrar told me to call the Professor of Cardiology (not to mention, at the same time, prominent cardiologist in the world. Try google-ing Keith Fox.) to find out about what drug the patient was taking (coz the patient was participating in this Drug trial that the Professor is chairing and needed to go for an operation and I have spent the prior 2 hours calling all the research nurses, professor's secretaries, research fellow etc and can't get any1).

F**king hell! The professors only chair the projects and give ideas and present the final paper. But they DON"T KNOW and WON'T KNOW about the minute details of the patient. This registrar who has been in medical field this long shouldnt be so stupid not to know that. and of course. the professor was away in South Africa for conference. hah.

To put it in perspective for the non medics. it's just like your finance department Head demanding you call the Regional Director to find out what the budget for the Family Day is, simply because the Regional Director had his/her name down as the Head of the Family Day Committee (and you can't get hold of any1 else in the committee).

i also hate the fact that i am a doctor doing a clerk's job. When i discharge ONE patient, there will be at least THREE paper documents needed - discharge letter +/- book day 10 cystogram + book the patient's next clinic appointment +/- book the patient on the operating list. in an average day, about FIVE patient at least, gets discharged (on a good day). which means, FIFTEEN pieces of paper work. on top of trying to managing medical problems. Guess what. Bcoz the department insists on us using this outdated computer program developed 10 years ago to type the letters, it took me 45 mins the other day to do ONE letter, where i could have complete 1 handwritten letter in 5 mins. annoying. highly annoying.

i'm not an ungrateful bitch. nor am i lazy. certain things just take too much effort and don't make sense. and now, into my 3rd job in my 1st year as a doctor, i ain't taking no crap anymore (when the registrar told me to call the cardiology professor, i told the registrar (politely of course) that i will quote his (the registrar's) name and tell Professor Fox, it was him who insists that i call. hah)

ahhh...shouldnt complain so much i guess. at least i have one good looking Irish colleague(Irish men just has this funny charm. i think it boils down to the accent) working with me, at least something to look forward to at work. Damn it. i was suppose to be professional about it! hah.

nightie night every1!

刚才,出外跑步.跑到一半,下起雨来了. 跑呀跑,头发湿了,雨滴也不停的在我的脸上滑落. 突然觉得自己好像剧中主角那般因为失恋/受了什么刺激的,在雨中边跑边飙泪,蛮帅的.

 

无聊. 我知道.

Moving on to my next job, Urology next Wednesday. Sure gonna miss the relaxed pace and ample senior support in Respiratory. Nevertheless, I do think it is time to move on too, to learn new things.

received feedback from my tutor/supervisor regarding my performance over the last four months today. quite pleased actually. He said 'you really did go for it, and you got more out of this rotation than the others because u went for it'. He was referring to the Audit project that i did with Gareth, my FY2. The project for which i get out of bed 1 hour early everyday, including Saturday and Sunday to collect data over the span of 1 month. hard work, but the consultants liked it when me and Gareth presented it. Of course, Gareth's done loads, especially on data interpretation and analysis, which i have very little inkling of.

He also said, at the consultant meeting earlier, my name was mentioned, and they said i should 'train' the next batch of FY1's on how to operate the TRAK (in the past 4 months, I have been operating the computer system to bring up x rays, CT's and discharge letters during the ward rounds). Ian would laugh his head off. Me, computer illiterate at home. to educate people in using the computer. ahahaha. eat your shoes, Ian.

then went out grocery shopping with Ayano (Japanese who grew up in Msia, who owns a car and always kind enough to offer to drive me to grocery shopping). Casual conversation-ing, she mentioned that she was doing an audit presentation too. I guess i shouldnt be surprised. I wasnt that big-headed to think that i was the only one working hard to advance my career. I was just surprised that something that took this much effort (eh, really, a lot a lot of hard work. And you do it in your own time, not during working hours) is just this common. Something i took so much pride in being able to complete, cheh...a lot of other people also got la.

Still, I am proud that I have worked hard and obtained good results from it. I take pride in every little achievement/progress i've made. that's how i thrive. However, also, I've decided, this tells me i need to keep working hard, perhaps even harder. And gambate i shall.

那天,做了个梦,一觉醒来,如沐春风.

细节是忘了.男主角的样子也模糊了.

重点是,梦里面我是那么的蛮横任性, 而他却是那么的一直纵容我,迁就我.

睡醒了,心中还是甜滋滋的.

下次要是被问及男友条件的话, 应该就说要找个会纵容我的任性的男人吧!

2 wks back in Msia for CNY was gr8. just too short. most important thing being, 5 of us, family, together. Jie's back from Melbourne, me back from UK.

Mum's still mum, always ngee-ngee-ngor-ngor kept bugging me again and again about not buying CNY clothes for myself and kept buying things for others and duno how to make myself look good and muz make myself more presentable bcoz 1st impressions are always important and how can i find a bf if i dun dress myself properly and if i dress myself properly i would feel good about myself etc. I know she loves me.

Until she cannot tahan then brought me to some boutiques in bangsar to shop. Thank god (phew!) i managed to find something (coz i hv always been picky and she gets stressed everytime she brings me shopping coz we'd shop for hours and never get anything). She loves me.

daddy's busy as ever with his work. still keeps booking badminton court (i think we played almost 3 times/ wk) to play badminton court with us though. he's getting old, i can tell. i sakit hati oso. dun want to see him so stressed up with work. he'd always say he's ok, work's ok. typical Chinese dad who doesnt really know how to express feelings.

Jie's grew up a lot. sudah tau 'pan leng leng' (make up). bought make up set sumore (expensive wan sumore - Stila!), and wearing earrings and all. Such stark difference from the conservative goodie two shoe who used to refuse spaghetti straps. She's been on a photo-shooting spree as well, using the camera to annotate every part of her life and posting it in her blog. i actually quite like her photos, quite interesting. i wish she'd be more confident in herself, stop comparing, open up and fully realize her potential.

and stop being so GRUMPY. i locked myself in our room to sew her a handphone cover and consequently didnt tell the maid wat to cook for dinner and didnt let her in to use the bathroom, then she just started being angry and grumpy and kept ngee-ngee-ngor-ngor. she's becoming like ma. (yes, i admit to not washing her starbucks mug immediately after finishing my coffee. but hey. if it stains, u can always soak it right?). And yes, i am offended that u didnt take a pic of the handphone cover to post it on your blog.

Ian has a gf now. constantly on his phone, sms-ing, at least 2 phone calls/day - one in the mornign and one at night (when every1's asleep, he pulls the phone into his room, (dun wori, ma alredi knows anyway)). wahliaoeh. got so many things to talk wan meh. He made a caramel cheesecake for gf for valentine's (1st valentines) sumore, of course in the process, had to come beg me for my expertise in cake decorating etc. Ha...jie even had to send him to his gf's house to deliver the cake. as a result of being in debt to both me and jie, he became our filipino maid, Joseph - wrapping my books, downloading hp games for us etc. ha.

CNY is the same. 4 hour drive back to JB fr KL. played cards in the car. Touched down then1st thing was to sit down and peel Bai Guo. somethings just never change (been having to do that ever since age 9. never understood y ppl liked eating it, never understood why I  had to sit down to peel it when i dun eat it). In a funny way, i enjoyed it this time. sitting down with my cousins, chatting, racing to see who peeled fastest, it's not CNY without having to peel bai guo.

Reunion dinner was gr8 as ever - abalone, scallop, sea cucumber, chinese sausage, steam fish. thx Shen shen for cooking. Having home cooked reunion dinner with the family instead of bcoz-it's-CNY-n-we're-busy-substandard restaurant food in UK meant a lot to me. Just great to be home for CNY after 3 years. after reunion dinner, it's always TV count down. Spore TV have quite good count down's - CNY songs, performances, games giving out angpao, and of course, some fengshui master telling us about our zodiacs and how we would fare for the year.

1st day of CNY, vegetarian for breakfast (still duno the rational, actually). steamboat for lunch. loads kids around, all older cousins except one - are married now. most have kids. kids are fun and noisy. Noises like that are what that makes CNY festive and happy. Gambling is essential as well.

Rest of CNY just passed so quickly and now i'm back in edinburgh again and already back to work for 1 week. was rather teary/ weepy first day i got back (was still alright in the airport), kept crying the moment i see/hear anything that reminds me of home. Didnt want to be here. want to go home. like living in Msia except dun really want to work there. Sampai always wake up early to catch ma online to talk to her. Crazy busy ward work helped eased things and am now ok.

ohwell. i should be grateful. at least i got to go back, for 2 weeks. some of my frens were only back for 1 week. i kno i should be grateful. but u'd always want more. i want to be able to stay near my family in Msia all the time, at the same time have a good job that doesnt discriminate and pays well and has humanly hours. if only.

all my love for my family!

Warning (not really): nothing interesting below. just scribbling down the good time i had with my frens over the weekend.

Just got back from Loch Fyne and Oban after a weekend there with frens - MJ, Bang, Ue, Thon Hon (wish Wai Yen could be here as well). All of them are my very good frens (who bully me all the time ;p ) who track back to my IMU (international Medical University) days.

Went on Friday to Glasgow, had dinner with guys, then took a long and extended trip to look for the bowling alley, which by the time we got there, it was well closed (surprise! not! it was about 10.30pm).

Went to watch Bourne Ultimatum at Cineworld. Ticket costs a whopping 6.40 pounds! cannot tahan then bought ice cream as well which costs anonther 2.40 pounds. sakit hati betul. Liked the movie a lot. it's one of the nicest action movie i've watched in years. But felt a bit nauseated watching it, simply bcoz the way the scenes were shot - as if the cameraman was running after the actors all the time. But have to say it was very nicely shot and the action scenes are nicely designed and not as deliberate as those in Jackie Chan movies.

Anyway. spent a night at MJ's place. then nxt day comes the highlight. drove up to Loch Fyne (somewhere North west of Scotland).Scenery along the journey was nice. but wat i enjoyed most was in fact the company. been very long since we actually get together like this like we used to in IMU - going out for lunches, watch movies, sing karaoke etc. Prior to this, MJ was in Southampton (south of UK), Bang was in Belfast (Ireland, lagi far). Only me, ue and thon hon in Scotland. But now that MJ and Bang have come over to Glasgow (scotland as well) to work (thon hon and ue working in glasgow as well, only me in Dunfermline (closer to Edinbrugh), we actually get to meet up more often again.

Went to the Loch Fyne Oyster Bar (oh yeah...) to have lunch. We had 2 oysters each for starters (ooh-lala), absolutely the best i've ever had - fresh and just fresh. I had some Kiln-roasted Salmon with whisky + horseradish sauce, which was very nice, just a tiny bit too salty. But i like MJ and Bang's king scallops - butter roasted - just great bcoz it's soooo fresh (sori, i'm a bit out of words). We belanja-ed thon hon coz it was (going to be ) his bday, and also bcoz the fact that he was gona belanja all of us for dinner that nite (ha...nothing comes free).

Then drove up to Oban. then bang said he wanted to visit the hospital. yea i kno. siao right? coz that's one of the places he could choose to work at, he just wanted to have a look. and so we went. he didnt get to go up to the wards tho coz he had no ID. it was a nice small hospital, situated in a quiet area. i porbably wouldn mind working in an area like this, oban is a small beautiful town (a bit touristy) with a nice port and great seafood. Only thing is in a small hospital like this, might not be able to get much variety of experience.

Had dinner at Ee-Usk (Scottish award winning seafood restaurant). I came here as a student. last time very scared, dun dare to order much coz the food seemed so expensive there. Ordered a fish and chips the last time and that i think came up to about 13 pounds, but well worth it coz the fish was soooo fresh (again.). ha...but this time thon hon belanja ma...so ordered the seafood platter. haha...no la. i shared with MJ coz we both were so full - so ended up cheaper. But thon hon was nice enuf to buy us dessert, which i ordered a bread and butter pudding with bailey's sauce, and bang ordered sticky toffee pudding which was great as well , ue's creme brulee was an absolute let down. but the 2 desserts was the perfect finish for that nite.

Then drove back down to Leven to send Bang back coz him being the pain in the a** had to work the next day on Sunday (today). we ended up spending the night at his place coz it was too late to drive back. had to sleep on floor no pillow so morning neck ache.

Next morning, drove to Loch Lomond and Luss, nice small town by the side of the lake. Typical English - small cottages, with lotsa flower + pottery decorations - gnomes, swans, etc u name it. Had coffee and scones in one of the posh (somehwat) coffee shops. then drove back.

Yea. at this point, i oso feel we all very 'tan' (cantonese, ie enjoy life). seriously. driving all the way to some place to eat expensive seafood. plus. it was great company. how better can life be??!

only thing that could be better is if i dun have to work tmr...haha

P.S. pics coming up later. have to get them fr MJ

 

written in retrospect for events on 3 Sept 07.

Disclaimer: the following is written by a art-illiterate dummy. The author is not responsible for any outcomes resulting from the use of the info below.

Today, has been a day of artistic exploration and as well as intellectual introspection. Visited the Van Gogh museum today, a museum featuring largest collection of Van Gogh's works - including the famous 'Sunflower' as well as many of his own self portraits.

First impression of Van Gogh's art works...hmmm...a bit baffled as to why this 'guy' is this renowned. His thick, disconnected brush strokes (http://www3.vangoghmuseum.nl/vgm/index.jsp?lang=nl) meant that his art works were rather coarse and unrefined. He wasnt as good as Rembrandt (whose art work i admired at the Rijksmuseum earlier) who's a master in depicting the effects of lighting (ie like, when u draw a face, imagine light shining from that back of that face and how u represent htat on the art work), Rembrandt was just brilliant at it (http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:Rembrandt-self-portrait-1628.jpg).

Nor was he as good as Belthasar Van et something (can't remmeber the full name), this guy is an absolute genius when painting insects - the precision and vividness of his drawings, it was as though the insects were real. Nor was he as impressive as Leon Lhermitte in the representing the lives/daily works of the peasants etc.etc.

I just didnt understand. in fact, some of his drawings of cottages by the countrysides - these were some of his earlier works, it just looked like some amateur painting (that's what i think anyway) which can be easily reproduced. (http://www3.vangoghmuseum.nl/vgm/index.jsp?page=1467&collection=619&lang=en)

Nevertheless, as i went around the museum, i read more about Mr. Van Gogh and the  anecdotes+philosophies behind the art works, as well as the process of how he taught himself from a novice to become a grandmaster in his own right. I became rather fond of his ideals and his perspective of life.

For example he favoured ' genuine expression over techincal perfection'  and 'loathed the conventional leanring of arts that does not derive from nature' .

You could see it in his work - 'the Potato eaters'  (http://www3.vangoghmuseum.nl/vgm/index.jsp?page=1303&collection=619&lang=en). Apparently, (i took this from the explanation given beside this artwork) if u look at the left hand corner, he drew the sides and back of the chair, whcih in real life, can't be seen together at the same time (honestly, i still dun understand what that means), but this basically illustrates some technical errors in the artwork. But if u look into the artwork. (in my opinion) The colour (dim and dark), the atmosphere (hot steam coming out of the potato), the people (coarse hands, prominent cheekbones, hard done faces) - it somewhat transports u to the scene itself, to view the harsh reality of peasant life. i find that pretty moving.

Van gogh's works are have symbolic meanings as well - For example, he drew the 'Still life with Bible' (http://www3.vangoghmuseum.nl/vgm/index.jsp?page=3450&collection=619&lang=en). The Bible represented his father (who was a priest), and there's book on the bottom right hand corner, which apparently is some modern book (at his time anyway) with some modern thinkings (sorry that i can't be more specific). And this represented his critism towards his father (well, he took a pregnant, unmarried prostitute named Sien Hoornik, and her young daughter into his household. So his father wasnt too please with him).

If you could see now, he is actually a guy with a rather forward thinking (considering that he lived in the 17th century). The things he did how he reacted to situations, u could somewhat relate to it in our modern day life.

My favourite van gogh piece is the 'Almond blossom' (http://www3.vangoghmuseum.nl/vgm/index.jsp?page=3128&lang=en). it was a gift from him to his brother Theo's new born son. I just like it. no particular reason.

Anyhow, my conclusion is. His works are touching and intriguing because there are stories behind it. Just like songs, if there are stories behind songs, they tend to be more close to heart and emotion.

I'm in the middle of creating my life story now. How bout u?

8 years ago during my Form 4 year end holiday, my grandad met with an accident. By chance/fate i went back to Johor and take shifts with my aunt to take care of him in the hospital. My grandad's condition subsequently worsened and he passed away. I was plagued with helplessness and feelings of desperation as i saw him deteriorate yet being unable to do anything about it.

That was the reason I wanted to become a doctor. So that i can do something for my family when need be. so that i won't be at lost when it comes to times like that. hate feeling helpless. well, it's not as romantic as this story is cooked up to be either. another reason for doing Medicine it's coz i've always been a more Biology-mugging-memorise kinda person rather than the Physics/Maths-smarty pants kinda person.

But the subsequent is true. During my time at the hosp, i met with the doctor who took care of my grandad. He's a cardiologist - pale complexion, quiet demeanour but extremely responsible and caring. He'd come a few times (sometimes 10pm at night) to see my grandad despite the fact that doctors there only do ward rounds about twice at most a day. I half day-dreamed that he came to see me too. ha... But me in my position at that time, i naturally idolised this person who was able to help my grandad and seemed nice enough. to cut short, he became an inspiration for me and drove me towards my medical career. Of course, the fact that i had a school girl crush on him (i knew his car number plate and i still do. good lord!)probably propelled me even further. I wanted be like him. I desperately wanted to be in that circle, to be a doctor, to be one of them. My results curve grew exponentially in Form 5 and i got full A1's and got a scholarship to study medicine. ah...the passion...

8 years passed. I went to college, worked hard, got good marks, got into Med school, got into Edinburgh University and did my clincal training there, and now, finally graduated as a doctor. Through the years of living outside - got in touch with more people, made frens, got hurt, fell down and got up, been through conflicts, been through stressed times with exams, been through moments of learnt hopelessness - i then become more of a realist, more cynic (really, medical training makes u cynical eg. doctors think all patients are liars, they tell u one thing and then tell a different story when ur boss ask them. ha), more skeptic, more pessimist, rather than the previous passionate dreamer that i once was. Nevertheless, no logic at all, no question at all, that passion dragged me through these years that i have no idea how i survived. And I am now in THE circle.

8 years now today. By fate, i went back to the same hospital where my dream began. My uncle had an operation and I was there to accompany my aunt. For 3 days that I was there, i guess i secretly hoped to meet up with him, perhaps buy him a coffee as a gesture of thanks or simply just to look from afar and reminisce. For 3 days of frequent visits to the hospital, he was nowhere to be seen. My aunt had offered to bring me to see him (she seems to kno all the doctors there very well), I thought it would be awkward and thus declined (hey, i'm afterall a doctor now,muz jaga muka sikit).

On the 3rd day, I was meant to set off to PJ in the afternoon. I however stayed feeling that my aunt needed us there. Then, the last visit to the hospital at night, he miraculously turned up in the ward when i was with my cousin sister, at my uncle's bedside. Pale as ever, scruffy blue jeans with an awkward colour-matched blue T shirt (hey, it's passed working hours anyway), neat, centre-parted hair, he'd looked as if he hadnt aged at all (he is now in fact double my age. yes. good lord!). I hesitated as i wasnt entirely sure if it was him at all, afterall, it's been eight years. I looked at my cousin sister for help. she winked and nodded. So that was really him!

And miraculously again, my aunt (who knows him and whom he knows) had come in and introduce me to him. 'Oh, this is the niece I've always told u about. She's just graduated as a doctor'. Pleasantries exchanged, as professional as it would be - which Uni did u graduate from where will u be working what specialty are u thinking of and blah. To be honest, it all just went so fast that, i could barely recall his face at all.

It was only when i was on my way back. soft, mellow, emotion-inducing music playing in the car, had i realise what that meeting meant to me. It could not have been a better timing. There he was at my start. Now again, at the end of this chapter, when i no longer believed in dreams, when i'm in the lost as to where to go and uncertain about whether i'll cope with my future, here he is again. Not only to help mark and celebrate the end (and beginning) of this chapter in my medical career, but perhaps, oso unknowingly reignited a much needed hope and passion, even if there's only a flicker of it.

I can't begin to imagine how much this actually meant to me, more than I was ready to admit. I only wish I hadnt been that calm and composed and professional during the meeting. I only wish I had been more rash, more reckless, more casual during that moment...oh just to let my emotions out, thank him, or just whatever...whatever at all... Moments like these deserve more. haih. y oh y.

Anyhow. thank you for reading through. I kno it's very cheonghei. This article's actually more for my own keepsake rather than to numb your brains with my childish dreamy mutterings.

Take care!

5年的医学生生涯,到达了一个终站.

 

今天大考考完了.我却好像刚从跑步机(threadmill)踏下来的那总感觉,停不下来.尽管昨夜迟睡,今天早起去应考,疲惫极了.躺在床上却是翻来覆去,转辙难眠. 只好一直找东西做 - 看了医生,到了银行进了支票,逛了街,陪友人去查了出租车的价码,请了一班同学来聚餐喝酒闲聊,仍然不想停下来,依然睡不着. 打了通越洋电话给我妈,她说大概是亢奋过度吧.

 

一如反常的,这次考完试,并没有如释重负或开心的感觉.也没有说有什么冲动想去做些什么的.就只有一种很平淡,没什么大不了的感觉.也许是老了吧.也或许真的考太多试,麻木了吧.嗯,蛮遗憾的.说什么也是自己学生生涯最后一个正式的考试,至少也来些疯狂一点的,或有纪念性的庆祝方式,好让日后有点留念吧.那群洋人现在应该就在街边或pub喝得烂醉,大出洋相了吧.唉,没办法.老了.

 

明天成绩就会公布了.校方会通知我们是否过了关,或需要重考(touch wood!).噢弥陀佛,希望能够顺利过关.

 

好累...

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what can i say? it's amazing. i've learnt a bit of magic tricks myself. I tot i'd be able to spot the loophole. but i''m absolutely speechless.

Yewin! whereever u are. watch this and tell me how he did it! (yewin's the guy who taught me how to do magic tricks!)