Chu Qin's Site

Again, her lofty pride prevented her from admitting more than she would.

They both have been working in the same office, same team. Both young apprentices, setting out to prove themselves. She was a self-assured, capable and ambitious. He sees that part of her and yet was never threatened by it. He was also apt and reliable but more lay back, perhaps because of his good looks, he could afford to be. Other female colleagues were always more eager to help. She always teased him about how shamelessly he uses his charm and looks to get his way around things. They laughed about it. Together they were a seamless, supporting each other through work

She could see family was deeply rooted in him by the way he talks about his family, which was perhaps rare for someone his age. They talked about the future with surprising similarities in their ideologies. He tells her about his girlfriend, with such pride that she knew that that girl was a lucky woman. He asks her ideas about gifts to send for his girlfriend who is away that she knew he was the new age sensitive guy.

She wondered. She noticed how often the other female colleagues were talking to and talking about him. 5 years back she too would have fallen head over heels for him. She genuinely enjoyed his company. To put it into perspective, for her, he wasn’t particularly someone to look forward to work to, rather, because he was there, work was more enjoyable. She shrugged and just decided enjoyed the routine tea that he made for her while trudging through their daily paperwork. Black, no sugar. The usual.

She was always amazed by how he could be so sure and certain about things. She liked asking him questions that she didn’t have the answers for. Things like, what she should become. Although she didn’t quite think he was 100% right all the time, she still admired his conviction and certitude. For it was something that she lack and has been hopelessly searching for.

One day, tired from work, lying in bed, with her mind wandering aimlessly thinking about the events of the day. It suddenly hit her, just like he said it would. If love were a series of tick boxes, he certainly fulfilled all the criteria’s. Yet it was this indescribable, illogical feeling that she could not reason or put a finger to. Years being convinced that all men will always be boys, she could actually envision spending the rest of her life with him. Which, she knew was perfectly illogical and irrational, given their background differences, and given the fact that she knew she had nothing that she could offer.

Not that she was ever going to do anything about it. She was too timid and hesitant. Just the usual, just let it pass and pretend that it was just another school girl crush. Perhaps it really is just that.

She could barely even feel any sadness. She thought wryly. How can you mourn for something you never had? You just have to let it pass. Let it go. Go to sleep and get back to work tomorrow. That’s all. Good night.